Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday (that I am home), I take the best 183 steps of my day. It is 183 steps depending on where we park. I know this because we have taken the same basic route, the entire year. The walk is only about a 3-5 minute walk, but it is something that I love. It helps me focus on my priorities, and that walk also helps me get my mind right for the day. Every morning, I lift you out of my truck and we begin our journey to your school. Within the first few steps, you raise your gentle hand for mine. I can't tell you how that gesture makes your Daddy feel. I absolutely love holding your hand. Normally you are talking, you talk almost the entire way. I generally don't know what you're saying, but I listen as best as I can. You also talk about the dead mouse we once found along our walk. His memory lives on because you always talk about him. We have done it in beautiful weather. We have done it in painfully cold weather. We have done it in the sun, and we did it this morning in the rain. No matter what, its what I look forward to the most during the work week.
Today was my last day to do it this school year. You don't have school on Friday, and I am gone all next week. I wanted to thank you for always requesting me to take you to school. It helps your mom out a lot, but it helps me too. Yeah maybe Id work out a little more before work if I didn't take you, but it is a sacrifice I gladly make. I don't know how much longer you will ask for me to do this, but I assure you my answer will always be yes.
I thought a lot about this past year, after you walked in the door today. In case you are wondering, it still stings. I feel like it always will. It seems like just yesterday I held you for the first time, confused by the color of your eyes. You are an angel on Earth to me. It stings because every time you go in, I realize how much bigger you're getting, and how you will need us less and less. You have learned your letters, you can write your name, you're even starting to read. This years walk took on a whole new meaning though, due to some incidents that we have tried to shield you from. As a parent, you never expect to drop your child off at school and worry about an insane murderer. I think Sandy Hook shook a lot of parents to core. There have been school shootings before, all of them are horrific. Nothing was as terrifying to see the beautiful, young, faces of those kids about your age. Maybe it shouldn't be different with HS kid vs. a 1st grader, but it is different. So letting you go, every other day, is even harder. Then you have a tornado hit a school and some of those kids aren't coming home that day as a result. Its just tough, you can literally paralyze yourself with fear thinking of everything that can go wrong. It has taught me to make sure to hug and kiss you and your sisters (and Mom) everyday before we leave. You never know. Whether its your first memory when you wake up, going into school, I leave for work, or you go to bed... I want your last thought of me, is of me giving you a hug and kiss, and of me telling you that I love you. In the end, we just put our faith in God, and we hope that everything goes as planned.
I will miss those weekly walks, Baylor Grace. I can never express how much you comforted me by placing your little hand into my hand. I hope you enjoy your summer break, you have earned it.
Love always and forever,
Daddy
You have to stop this. It always makes me tear up. I had a small amount of those feelings this past week, getting to take all the little ones to school. I also had some of the same thoughts about the violence. I looked at those three as I drove them and then walked in with them and I actually said a silent prayer: OK God, you have the watch". Sometimes in the midst of all these tragedies and all this violence we ask--Where in the hell was God when this happened and why did it happen?? As a Deacon I get asked this a lot. In fact 8 times since we got home. I always give them the only answer I can--I have no idea.
ReplyDeleteWhat I do know is that those 4 little girls are totally dependent on you two. You both do a great job and they could not be in any better hands. It thrilled me when on Monday as BG took your hand when we got out of the car she looked up at me on the other side and reached up for mine. I was once again consumed with love for her. Good job.
I have to comment later. I will say you picked a great title for your blog.
ReplyDeleteBaylor Grace started out as the wicked child. Always picking on her sister (Caroline) always mischievous. She didn't talk at all for so long, but when she started she never stopped. For at least another year, and even sometimes now, it was all unintelligible, but suddenly this past weekend I realized that Baylor Grace is an old soul. . .grant you a beautiful old soul. That's why, I think, she occasionally just stops your heart when you look at her. While babysitting for the grand girls a husky, deep little voice out of nowhere would say, "Mamaw, we don't do it that way", and I knew to stop and ask how "it" should be done, because she would know. She helped with the laundry, she ran and got things for me, she kept me company, she never complained when I brushed her (then) long hair, she selected her clothes without my help every day, and I suddenly could carry on a very good conversation with her that I not only could understand but that made generally logical sense. I get the feeling, even though she can have some massive meltdowns, she is very strong and can handle the life that will come her way. Where did this little girl come from? I don't know, but I'm glad her Daddy and Mommy are taking such good care of her. She'll be a force to be reckoned with, and her Daddy is the greatest man in her life - followed, of course and rightly so, by PawPaw and Pop who also have her back.
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