You were right Brooke....you were so VERY right!

I wanted to share with y'all one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.  It is something I carry with me every day and I look forward to the day I can tell her and get it off my chest.  Having said that, because of the pain and embarrassment that I do carry with me- i appreciate her hugs more, the looks she gives me, the gifts she gives me all the time. No one lights up like Reagan does when she sees me. What I am about to tell you is not at all funny, although now I see some humor in it.  I am not at all proud of it but I am proud of the positive change this event has done to me.

To be honest, I am not sure where to start.  It had been around 1890 since there was a female Ayers born in my line.  No aunts or uncles to speak of.  Dad was an only child, of an only child, who only had brothers.  The Ayers' were pretty much DUDES.  Fast forward to October of 2005 and Brooke and I were soon to confirm the sex of our new baby.  It would be a boy, I would name him after my father, and my last name would be safe.  I am currently the youngest living male Ayers.  I was super pumped to have a future Trinity Football player, future SAE President, future best bud to play sports with just like I had with my Dad and he had with his.   Of course I said all the right things, "as long as it is healthy, ten fingers and ten toes, yadda yadda yadda," but I didn't mean it.  I was having a boy.  Brooke had given up on ever having girls because she knew how things were...she would always say "I just want one (girl)."  So we go to the doctor, my chest is swelled with pride just like The Mighty Casey before he went to bat. My heart was racing as I stared up at the most beautiful thing I have ever seen but I looked, and looked, and looked, and saw that the baby on the screen was missing something VERY important.  I wanted to scream at the nurse...THERE IS NO PENIS (like it was her fault or something)!  There was in fact, a sideways hamburger (thats what it looks like sorry).  I think the nurse said that everything looks great, all organs were working, etc etc. but it was all a blur.  By the time we saw the OBGYN she could sense that all was not right with me.  It was, awkward.

I could barely get to the car before I had to let out my anger.  I screamed, hollered, punched, kicked, cursed, that car/wheel like you wouldn't believe.  I was such an asshole, that Brooke was in tears.  Brooke is a rock- she shows no emotion.  I knew I was being ridiculous but I was so mad, I didn't care.  I literally said- "FUCK YOU GOD!  I have done everything you asked.  I never got into trouble, kept the faith through the whole Fr. Tom thing, always treated women with respect, on and on.  The one thing I ask for and you give me a girl!  What the FUCK am I supposed to do with a girl!?  FUCK YOU!"  If you cant tell, I was pissed.  Brooke looked over at me, crying, and said words I will never forget..."this baby girl will be the best thing that ever happened to you."

I didn't know it then nor did I want to accept it but Brooke was absolutely correct.  You think of ALL the things that can go wrong with a pregnancy.  People try for years and can never have kids, or they can get pregnant and bringing it full term is a struggle.  I have friends who would give their own lives so that their wives could have a baby- even if it was a girl.  I had the perfect miracle and I was too much of an ass to realize it.   There is an old baseball saying around cut time that you never celebrate in a clubhouse because you might be doing so right in front of a guy who just got sent to the minors.  The same can be said for the OBGYN's office.  Who knows how many people were there because they were struggling to get pregnant, or later that day would get every parent's worst nightmare, the news that their little miracle had died.  I had every reason to celebrate and I just wanted to be mad. To be honest, I never fully realized how right my wife would be until the moment I held Reagan in my arms for the first time.  It is strange to go from being just a guy one minute, to a Daddy the next.  I cant explain it, a love so much it hurts.  It took me a good 4 months before I could actually look at her and not cry, I loved her so much.   To watch Reagan grow has been the greatest gift I have ever been given, Brooke was right.  I guess I thought I was a good man then because of the accomplishments and trophies I had.  None of that truly matters and I know I am a better man now because of my girls.  Apparently I am making up for lost time in the Ayers clan with Caroline and Baylor Grace but I can honestly say "thats okay."  I wouldn't trade my girls for any amount of money in the world, or that one boy.  As God is my witness.  It doesn't hurt me that Brooke was so right, what hurts is that one day I will have to tell Reagan how disappointed I was when I found out she was a girl and ultimately how wrong I was.  I only hope she has her Mom's maturity and forgives her old man for that unexplainable way I acted.

They say that when a girl is born you feel like a Daddy and when a boy is born you feel like a man.  I don't know if that is true or not and probably never will.  I am so thankful to have my girls, I will take being a Daddy any day.