Are You In Good Hands?

I wanted to take this chance to make everyone who reads this aware of a situation that Brooke and I are now faced with.  As you know, Brooke and I love kids and have always wanted to have a big family.  When it came to conceiving kids, we have been amazingly fortunate.  Every time we have begun to think about getting pregnant it did not take long for us to do so  And through the 40 weeks of each pregnancy it had gone pretty much according to schedule. 

A few weeks ago, one Friday, we gave Kylie (our dog) away and Brooke took a pregnancy test that came back not pregnant.  It was a bad Friday to say the least.  She was really late and figured that either she is pregnant or something is wrong.  Plus, while we thought we were doing better for Kylie- it still was a difficult day.  So, for Friday and Saturday there was sort of a depression around this house.  On Sunday we went to church and to be honest I prayed for a baby.  I said the usual- whatever you desire God, it is in your hands, blah blah blah.  That afternoon Brooke took another test and it came back pregnant.   Needless to say we were over joyed and making plans.  We didn't tell anyone because we wanted to wait until we went to the doctor in a few weeks, just to make sure.  But between us (and Baylor- she knew but we figured she was safe because she only says like 6 words) we were talking names, Christmas, etc.  We were very happy.  We went home to my parents house one weekend and despite the temptation I didn't say anything- even when my father guessed it.  So, this past Thursday was the day and we counted down the time before we went back to the Dr. Simms. 

Everyone was all congratulations, so exciting, etc.  and we were ready to see the little sucker on the ultrasound.  Well when the time came, we could tell right away by the doctor's body language that something was wrong.  For brevity sake and to avoid a TMI situation, the yolk sac was there but there was no baby to be seen.  Plus the sac only measured 5 weeks when according to the pregnancy calendar she should have been around 7 weeks.  That early in the pregnancy 2 weeks makes a big difference.  The rest of the trip was a blur but it was difficult for us to make it to the car without breaking down.  I swore this blog was not going to be political and I am trying to avoid that here but Brooke and I believe, whole heartily, that life begins at conception.  That baby is ours from the moment we find out she is pregnant, this was all devastating news.

The best outcome is that Brooke (and baby) are simply behind schedule.  She got pregnant late and really only is "a little pregnant."  The worst news is the baby has died and is no longer growing, and in fact died a few weeks ago.  She will either "shed" the pregnancy herself or have to get it removed.  Both options are absolutely heartbreaking to us.  Thursday we went home and broke the news to our parents and then we cried, and cried.  It was difficult because the big girls don't know and both of us are trying to put on a brave face so they don't start asking questions.  We were going to tell everyone this past weekend at my birthday party- our aim was to celebrate a new life.  That didn't happen.  It has been a horrific roller coaster since then.  There are moments when you are okay and you think things will be fine, then there are moments when you are scared to death of the bad news and ultimate outcome.  It has been challenging beyond anything I have experienced to date.  The worst thing for parents are 1) not knowing 2) not being able to do anything about it and 3) something happening to one of your babies.  All three apply in this case.

In the midst of the air conditioning going out, lawn mower breaking, ice dispenser breaking, the baby situation, Reagan had surgery on Friday which is never easy.  I had come to a breaking point, it was a very bad week.  At some point on Friday I realized that there was very little I could about a lot of it- particularly the baby.  Stressing out, making Brooke stressed out, isn't going to help the situation get any better.  At this point, it really is in God's Hands.  I have said that before, but when Brooke and I said that to each other it did help me feel better about the situation.  It is not to say I feel good about it but I do feel better.  If nothing else, coming to this realization has helped stabilize the emotional roller coaster.  I also understand that by saying that it is in God's Hands doesn't mean that everything will be okay- the way we want it.  Sometimes when you pray to God his answer is no.  Generally though there is a very good reason for that, even if we don't see it at this moment.  And that does help.

While at this point we still have more questions than answers and if things do go south on Thursday when we go back, there will be more questions still.  I do realize that all of this is happening for a reason and the outcome is in good hands, God's Hands.  And if we have lost the pregnancy it is somewhat comforting to know that our baby, young as it might be, is now with the angels.  Truly the best hands.